I was married less than 6 months when the unthinkable happened, and the foundation of trust fell apart between me and my husband. The gaslighting started then. Whether it was real or perceived, I may never know, but I was sure my ex-husband was hiding something from me.
My trust was shattered, and I was heartbroken. I began to question whether I was losing my mind. Was this the beginning of a mental illness or was it real?
I cried myself to sleep most days for months. I cried quietly when he was sleeping because I didn’t want to disgrace him. One night when I was crying my eyes out — in the dark, on the bathroom floor — I asked God to break me, and to break us. Because our marriage was broken and we needed brokenness to know our need for a Savior.
“I don’t care what you do, God. Just please don’t take my hair. But if that’s your plan, that’s okay, too. I trust you. But please don’t take my hair.” God understands our wisdom-laden, childlike pleas and they touch his heart.
Our story did not come with the happy ending you might expect. We divorced after three and a half years of marriage. My world fell apart, and I didn’t think I would see joy again for a long, long time.
God split me like a tree in a storm, and everything everyone told me about divorce was true and worse. It was like a death. Of pieces of myself. Of my best friend. It was a fresh start on my hopeful days, but most days it was like carrying a heavy cross. I was exhausted.
Yet God did something beautiful in the breaking. He collapsed the foundation of sand my house was built upon, and he anchored me to a foundation of rock — the rock of Jesus Christ (Matt. 7:26-27) — where I knew I should have always been, but I had let so many things slip away in my marriage; I made too many compromises of character, of authenticity.
Here’s the thing: I had a file cabinet of baggage going into my marriage, like we all do. But mine had been locked tight and I was stuffing all of the hurt deep down into those unwieldy files until the lock finally broke because the cabinet couldn’t hold any more pain.
When you can’t lock it back up, you have to deal with the mess. So, I faced the pain and the breaking and realized all the stuffing had been a source of my competitive nature and approval seeking. For years, I had taken the anger and channeled it into success. But without that cabinet of hurts swelling, I had to learn to find momentum again — from a healthy place this time.
It’s kinda like taking a jackhammer to a heart surrounded by concrete. The excavation is a little violent, but if you don’t smash the barricade, you also trap all the beautiful emotions of life down in that cement dungeon; in suppressing the painful and the uncomfortable, you aren’t able to access the beautiful and carefree.
My divorce was the jackhammer, and that’s when joy started to break through the lovely cracks.
Do I regret my divorce? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t be the healed, whole, free and heart-broken-wide-open person I am today without the wrecking of divorce and all the struggles that followed. God answered my prayer for brokenness, and the brokenness was the biggest blessing because it brought with it a dependence on Jesus that I had never imagined. Peace about death. Peace about life. Peace about who I am, really, in Christ. My faith became my own instead of something I learned from someone else. I encountered the goodness and the kindness of God, and I knew from the deepest place in my spirit — He is truly God. He is real. And he loves me with an unfailing love.
Brokenness yields understanding, empathy, and compassion. It also yields joy.
God says in Isaiah 61:3, “To all who mourn in Israel he will give: beauty for ashes; joy instead of mourning; praise instead of heaviness. For God has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.”
If you are going through a divorce, or in a rocky marriage, God has not forsaken you and he promises to give beauty for ashes and joy instead of mourning. It is 200 percent worth it to fight as hard as you can for your marriage, but know that sometimes marriage doesn’t work out, and that is okay too.
The church has a lot to say about marriage, and the Bible says more. If your husband or wife has been unfaithful or verbally, emotionally or physically abusive, God does not call us to stay and be a doormat for anyone’s anger or abuse. When a spouse no longer loves or respects his or her partner, and quits trying, there is only so much the other can do. A marriage is hard and beautiful. But it takes two committed people to make it work.
None of this is to oversimplify the mysterious covenant of marriage. God hates divorce, but I think he hates it because it is a death of a holy union that he forms and because it breaks lives and families. I don’t believe he condemns it. Because marriage is a model for Christ’s love for the church, is it sacred and holy. But if man destroys the sanctity and hates his husband or wife, the covenant is broken.
In the end, divorce is one of the most terrible things a person can go through, but in my experience, it has also been the source of my deepest joy because it was the pivot point that brought me back to Jesus. Even in my sin and my human shortcomings, God never let me go.
This is part one in our series on divorce. Stay tuned for next week’s blog where we will take a closer look at the Bible verses addressing divorce and share more about the Biblical context for divorce.
Dear God, Many of us have experienced the heartache and brokenness of divorce or are in hurting or broken marriages. No matter the outcome, Lord, please help us to lean on you and to stay anchored in you through the storm as you are Lord Healer, and you are able to mend even things that seem impossible to heal. Please also shelter and protect anyone who is going through divorce right now and help them to know that you are with them through this hardship and that there is hope, joy and healing on the other side.
In Jesus perfect name,
Amen
Verses for study:
Matthew 5:26-27
But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell—and great was its collapse!”
Luke 6:47-49
“As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”
Ephesians 5:22-32
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
I remember the nights of silent tears cried next to my sleeping husband. It was gut wrenching, for months and years. But for me I had already done everything I could possibly do, so divorce was easy. Not for him, but for me it was a release. I have gotten very good at being still to listen to God and having the courage to go out and be confident in His promises.
Thank you for writing this. My divorce has brought me closer to God, a love that I had been after my entire life.
Hi Melissa
I’m so sorry that this is a part of your story, too. Thank you so much for sharing, sister in Christ! Amen, His is the love we all seek but so often find later on in life… So well said. Many blessings to you!
Kristin