As a culture, we have overemphasized the negative connotation of submission, while missing the central message of Ephesians 5:22-33. A husband is called to lay down his life for his wife, and a wife is appointed to serve her husband as if serving the Lord. The marriage covenant only works in mutual submission and sacrifice, and the two roles cannot be separated.
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The Lord God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:18
Submission
God led us to write a series about divorce, and inevitably, divorce touches the covenant of marriage. What does a Godly marriage look like, and how do we know if a marriage is healthy?
We are looking to the Bible for answers, and we’re going to set the record straight about a passage that is far too often used as justification to devalue women in the church when in fact that couldn’t be further from God’s heart. Let’s take a look at Ephesians 5:22-33:
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
This passage may be familiar to some women who were told they should submit to their husbands in everything, and that they could not preach or lead or otherwise not have the same standing in society as men.
Other times, the passage may be wrongly used as a defense and a justification for the husband to command his wife into submission. This is a distortion, an abuse of scripture and a disgrace to the marriage covenant.
Ephesians 5:22-33 is a framework for marriage, and the marriage covenant above all is a model for Christ’s love for the church. Let’s break it down.
Ephesians 5:22 states, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord,” and a few verses later we read, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
This verse is followed by, “In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it.”
The passage not only clearly states that a husband should love his wife as he loves himself, but also that he should give himself up for his wife, just as Christ laid down his life for the church. We cannot miss this.
God is saying that, in marriage, a husband is to be as Christ to the church, and his love should be sacrificial. In complement, a wife is to be as the church to Christ, and her love should be as if in service to the Lord, pure and devoted.
The Greek word for “submit” in Ephesians 5 is hypotássō which means, “under God’s arrangement” or “I put myself into subjection.” And according to Strong’s Greek, the root verb, tássō, was primarily a military term meaning “to draw up in order, arrange in place, assign, appoint, or order.”
I’d like to call particular attention to the verb “appoint” because in this context, it implies appointment to a significant post as in submission to the Lord. While a wife is appointed to serve and to respect her husband, this is a voluntary submission. A wife serves her husband in devotion and respect, but she also goes to battle at his side.
As a culture, we have overemphasized the negative connotation of submission, while missing the central message of Ephesians 5:22-33. A husband is called to lay down his life for his wife, and a wife is appointed to serve her husband as if serving the Lord. The marriage covenant only works in mutual submission and sacrifice, and the two roles cannot be separated.
And this is where we hit the nail on the head. God never intended for women to be less than men.
Ezer
In the beginning God created Adam and Eve, and God made Eve to be a “helpmate” to Adam. Eve was never under Adam. She was created to walk beside him, to help him and to complement him.
The root verb of helpmate is ezer, which means, “to help”. God himself is described many times in the Psalms and the Prophets of the Old Testament as ezer, both as God our helper and as God-warrior. The choice of the word helpmate or ezer kenegdo for woman in Genesis 2:18 shows us that God sees women as strong and powerful — as warriors.
Equally valued by God as men, women are created with different roles and strengths, and the two sexes are complimentary in one-fleshness. As Paul says, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
When we look to Christ and the church as the model for the marriage covenant, we are pointed towards service. Jesus came to serve and not to be served. He healed the sick. He fed the hungry. He washed the disciples’ feet. He laid down his life for us in the garden of Gethsemane. He became less so the Father would become more.
Just as Christ and the church, in marriage, both the man and woman are called to lay down their lives in sacrificial love and submission to one another.
A husband who does not love his wife as himself fails to uphold the marriage covenant. A husband who will not give himself up for his wife fails to uphold the marriage covenant.
A wife who does not voluntarily submit to or serve her husband in pure devotion as if serving the Lord fails to uphold the marriage covenant. A wife who does not respect her husband also fails to uphold the marriage covenant.
Sacrifice and submission. Love and respect. A marriage cannot thrive without mutuality.
Heart check
So.. how’s your marriage? Wives, are you serving your husbands as if serving the Lord? Husbands, are you giving up your lives for your wives as Christ did for the church? The marriage covenant was made for mutual love and respect.
Some of you may find yourselves in a marriage wherein the marriage covenant is simply not honored. This is a challenging place to be; in these circumstances, we grieve for you and with you, and truly, we don’t have all the answers. Here we simply aim to clarify the standard for marriage that God has established, and we know we are all going to fall short. But what matters is this: is your spouse doing the work of sacrifice or the work of submission? Is God at the center of your marriage? Husbands, do you love your wives as yourselves? Wives, do you respect your husbands?
We understand that marriage is hard. Harder than anyone ever told us it would be. Sometimes, for reasons we may not understand, husbands cannot give up their lives for their wives. And sometimes, wives cannot submit to their husbands. The Bible is clear about the roles of sacrifice and submission, and if these roles are not mutually held or broken, then we believe the marriage covenant is broken, too. Can God heal a broken covenant? We believe with our whole hearts that he can heal impossibly broken marriages, yet sometimes he does not.
We also believe the Bible is clear that God condemns emotional, physical and spiritual abuse within the marriage covenant and in these circumstances, that God permits divorce. Sometimes, marriages cannot be saved and it is not God’s plan to save them. God heart breaks with yours if you find yourself in a broken marriage covenant. We cannot tell you what is right for you in this circumstance. We simply aim to present a clear picture of the scriptures and God’s heart.
Women, by all standards Biblically, you are equal to men, and you are appointed to submit and to serve your husbands as if serving the Lord.
Men, you are called to a sacrificial love that can only be understood in the person of Jesus Christ, and you are called to love your wives as your own flesh.
Insomuch as it is possible, what God has joined together, let not man separate (Matt. 19:6).
Verses for study:
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet (ezer kenegdo) for him.
Genesis 2:18, KJV
Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help (ezer) and our shield.
Psalm 33:20
Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help (ezer), whose hope is in the LORD his God:
Psalm 146:5